When You See Her

When you see her, what’s the first thought that comes to your mind? What is she wearing? Why is she dressed like that? Who does she think she is? Why is she walking like that?

Are your thoughts immediately judgmental?

We don’t always want to admit it, but often they are. Especially toward other women.

Women on Women Crime

Although this blog is for everyone, today’s reflection is centered on us as women — and the “crimes” we commit against each other: hate, judgment, competition, gossip, rejection. However it shows up in your life, I invite you to pause and sit with it for a moment.

We are not in high school anymore. And if you are in high school, or even younger, I invite you to read on with an open mind, because learning this lesson early is powerful.

So why do we, as women, often judge each other so harshly?

• Are our expectations of other women higher?

• Is it because society has shaped us this way?

• Or because we’ve been on the receiving end of it ourselves?

  
  

It breaks my heart when I see it happening. We live in a world where women are already underestimated, mistreated, taken for granted, abused — and yet, we turn around and do it to each other.

I can’t help but think of the Mean Girls movie sometimes — except this is real life, not a screenplay. Grown women, professionals, mothers, leaders — acting in ways that feel like cafeteria drama. That hurts to watch. And honestly, it’s a big part of why my own circle is small. Why I lean toward being “introverted.” Why I am so careful about who I let close.

Not because I don’t love people — I do. But because I have seen enough of the women-on-women crime to know it can cut deep.

What I Witnessed in the Workplace

You expect certain behaviors in middle school or high school, but I never expected to encounter it so often in professional settings. Recently, I watched women in positions of authority mistreat other women in ways that shocked me.

These weren’t small disagreements. They were women using their positions to harm: firing other women simply because they didn’t like them, dismissing them for not looking the part, or deciding they didn’t “fit in.”

It wasn’t about performance or results. It was about preference and bias.

That’s not leadership. That’s abuse of power. It’s weaponizing authority. It’s using the “at-will” structure of employment as a shield for personal vendettas. And it should be a crime in itself.

As managers and leaders, our responsibility should never be about who we personally like. The questions should always be:

• Can she do the job?

• How well is she contributing?

• What coaching or resources have I offered to help her succeed?

• Have I given her the tools and training to thrive?

  
  

That’s leadership. Not playing favorites. Not tearing down another woman to make yourself feel bigger.

Being More Compassionate

Instead of judgmental questions — “Why is she dressed like that?” “Who does she think she is?” — what if we chose questions rooted in compassion?

• What is she going through right now?

• Does she need help?

• Is she safe?

• Does she have enough to feed her children?

• Does she have a home to go to tonight?

  
  

These are the questions that lead us to empathy instead of cruelty.

I know this personally. For over a decade, I wore nothing but hand-me-downs. Clothes that didn’t fit quite right. Clothes that were worn out. Clothes donated to me by other women who didn’t want them anymore.

And you know what? I am forever grateful to those women. As a single mother raising three children, I simply could not put myself before my kids. They came first — their food, their shoes, their clothes. My family mattered more than my appearance.

But that didn’t stop the judgment. Strangers. Co-workers. Sometimes even my own children, who teased me for looking “old-fashioned.” Most of my professional clothes came from places like Dress for Success or generous women in older generations who handed down what they had. For years, I felt guilty even when I had more money coming in — guilty to spend on myself. I thought every dollar should go toward them.

And I know I’m not alone. Many women sacrifice silently. Many mothers make do with little, giving up their own needs. So when we sit in judgment over how another woman looks, we rarely stop to consider her story. Survival is more than an instinct – it is skillset.

If you aren’t willing to reach out a hand, to offer kindness, to ask her why, then maybe you shouldn’t say anything at all. My mother used to tell me, "Annie, if you have to laugh at the expense of someone else, it is not a joke".

Who Are You, Really?

So let me turn the mirror for a moment.

• Who are you, really, when no one is watching?

• What happened to you?

• Have you been so hurt that tearing others down feels safer than facing your own pain?

• Do you really feel bigger by making someone else feel small?

  
  

If so, it’s time to work on you.

Nobody cares if you “like” or “don’t like” someone. But when your dislike turns into action — when you use your power, position, or voice to destroy, dismiss, or demean another woman — that says more about you than her.

And I say this without judgment, because I am constantly holding myself accountable too. I can be my own worst critic. My need for perfection often makes me harsh toward myself.

So I get it — the struggle is real. But I also know this: the way we treat each other matters far more than how we feel about each other.

So the next time you see a woman who doesn’t dress how you think she should, who doesn’t live how you think she should, instead of criticism, try encouragement:

“You go girl.” “Good for you.”

Why Are Expectations So High for Women?

I wonder if this goes back centuries. Maybe it’s rooted in times when women were considered property, when we couldn’t vote, when our voices didn’t matter. When women who didn’t conform were called witches and punished.

Maybe that history — of being undervalued, controlled, silenced — has echoed down through generations and made us harsher on each other than we need to be.

But here’s the truth:

Women are life-givers.

Women are healers.

Women carry so much already.

We don’t need to be at war with one another.

Your personal dislike of another woman doesn’t matter. But how you treat her absolutely does.

So before you judge, pause. Ask yourself: Why don’t I like her? You may discover the answer has more to do with what’s inside of you than with her at all.

A Love for All

A love for all life.

All nations.

All of God’s creations.

And yes, my friend, that means women too.

With love,

Annie Marie

✨ Closing Call-to-Action:

When was the last time you caught yourself judging another woman — even in your thoughts? Did you stop to ask what her story might be? Share your reflections in the comments below. Let’s start changing this narrative together.